Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Sunday, February 21, 2010

To my shame, on Valentine's Day


So I was sitting in church next to my friend Anna on Valentines day. Nothing to out of the ordinary seemed to be occurring, except maybe the fact that someone had the bright idea to decorate the sanctuary with the tackiest red foil metallic hearts that I’ve ever seen. But whatever, I thought it was slightly cute. I never really cared for Valentine’s day anyway. . . (maybe it’s because I’m single.)

I sat there with my eyes open during the singing part of the worship, and the guy on stage leading worship reminded us that the altar was open if people wanted to come and meet with God and pray.

I happened to like the song that was on, though now I can’t remember for the life of me which one it was. I just remember, suddenly, off to my right, noticing someone walking up to the front.

I turned and looked, and saw a woman, cane in hand, slowly limp her way to the stairs of the stage that happens to double as an “altar”. As I watched, the most extraordinary exhibition of despair and desperation occurred, as the broken woman practically threw herself upon the stairs, tossing the cane down as if it were a crown, and knelt to pray.

IMMEDIATELY, I had this sudden inclination to pray for her. To go up to the altar of the Lord and bow my knee in humble prayer for this woman, whom I had never seen before at my church. Something in my spirit churned to pray for healing, especially.

And then I talked myself out of it. I started to rationalize, “this woman doesn’t know me. How uncomfortable would it be for her if someone she didn’t know just came up to her and asked if they could pray for her?” and then, “maybe she just wants to pray alone, and if I were to go up there I would interrupt her alone time with God.”

Then TO MY SHAME, my Pastor and his wife, walked up together, hand in hand, and knelt next to her and prayed for her.

And I wept. I cried because on this day of LOVE, I couldn’t break myself out of my comfort zone to go to this stranger and be Jesus’ hands. I know I will be expected to do this sort of thing on the Race, and I didn’t do it now. How can I expect myself to be a “missionary” (as I type this, I spit the word out of my mouth as if it were a detestable thing to put my name and missionary in the same sentence) if I can’t even PRAY for HEALING for someone I don’t know? Where is my faith? If I were Peter, I would have never have sunk because I never would have stepped out of the boat.

I wiped the tears from my eyes, and thanked God for the leadership in my Church, My Pastor and His Wife, for obeying God’s call to prayer for this woman. They are the perfect examples of Jesus, being willing to look awkward to go up and pray for someone they didn’t know. I am PROUD to be a member of this Church, because I KNOW that I am following leaders who are following Jesus.

Church continued without any more incidents of my lack of obedience. Seeing as how I was giving up Pizza for Lent, my friend Anna and I were headed back from Ci-Ci’s Pizza before I revealed my weakness to her.

I explained the whole thing, about how I had heard the Spirit’s urge to pray for this woman, and how as I was talking myself out of it, I watched in pure humility as the Pastor and his wife went up and did what I refused to do. Anna sat there in silence, with a perplexed look on her face as I relayed my tail of weakness.

“Huh.” She said. “That’s very interesting. Because God has never told me to pray for ANYONE before, but I saw that woman walk up to the altar, and I too felt very inclined to pray for her. For healing, specifically. I didn’t even know that Pastor Dale and Alinda went up to pray for her because I had my eyes closed while I was praying for her.”

I nearly drove off the road at that point.

What Anna had just told me, was that she ALSO heard God tell her to pray for this woman. All FOUR of us heard the call to prayer, but only three responded while I sinned in disobedience. Anna’s wise words had been the CONFIRMATION that I had missed out on a holy opportunity to be Jesus.

Anna continued speaking, about how weird it was that all of us heard the same thing at the same time, and began to wonder aloud how many OTHER people in the congregation had also heard the call to mobilize and missed it. I shamefully admitted that if I could have missed it, I’m sure others did too. I began to tell Anna how I felt like such a failure, and asked her how I could dare put myself in the same category as her, a missionary, if I couldn’t even step out and pray for those in need.

She responded, “Well maybe God doesn’t think of you as a failure, but rather he’s trying to show you how easy it is for you when you’re NOT in your comfort zone. Maybe he’s trying to show you how right now, you need to be aware of these situations because He’s going to show you just how easy it is. So don’t look at it as a failure, per se, but rather just something you can improve on.”
There used to be times when I doubted why Anna and I were friends. I am so grateful to say, that those times are becoming fewer and fewer. Especially now, that knowing God told her and the Pastors to pray for this woman, and somehow, I have been counted as worthy enough to be spoken to in this way. I like to see this as a refinement of my character, and if I can walk in the shadow of those who dwell in Jesus’. . . then I am on my way to where He wants me to be.
~Kirsten George